Today I will be going up the mountain to Lake Arrowhead for our annual multi-Center Retreat. This retreat is organized by the Redondo Beach Center for Spiritual Living and has been a Memorial Weekend activity for many years. Almost always the consciousness of lack of clarity is that with which we arrive and clarity is what we open up to and embrace while there. Because our environment echoes our consciousness, we have begun most retreats with a great deal of fog and even snow. However, after getting clear all weekend, we usually return in sunny, clear conditions.
I know that some of you are coming with me, but for those of you staying at home, consider identifying the areas in your life which seem a little hazy, in which you cannot clearly see the outcome you desire. Then ask yourself are you trying to make something happen?
Memorial weekend of 2008, I was feeling burnt out. The idea of giving two talks and a workshop seemed impossible. How could I inspire others when my own well of inspiration seemed so dry? I could not get clear about my topics. I had thrown together some workshop ideas and had even made copies of handouts. But I was grieving for our friend and Board Member who had just passed the previous weekend. We had done an amazing memorial service for her and had celebrated her life and driving up to Lake Arrowhead, I let myself feel my loss. I encountered myself all the way up the mountain and all the pent up tears came flowing out. I was listening to a CD by Rev. Cynthia James and I was moved and comforted and then dashed into despair again. Although I tried to pray, my prayers were dry and meaningless.
It took several extra hours to get to the retreat Center. In addition to the fog, I missed my turns and had to retrace my way several times. Those turnarounds were heart-stopping. I didn’t know if I was on the inside or the outside edge of that mountain road. I knew I had a commitment and I kept going. I am so glad I did.
Instead of trying to push my way through the pain, I allowed myself to be nurtured that entire weekend. Rev. Moira, took me to my room and assured me not to worry about a thing. I obeyed. The next evening, our friend Daniel Nahmod did a heart-felt private concert for the members of our Center who were also grieving. That was the first time anyone heard Last Song. I am grateful for the kindness of others and for their willingness to bend and change to accommodate the needs of others.
In your own lack of clarity, perhaps it is time for some self-nurturing and to remember that you are never alone and that you are infinitely loved. Right now you are enough!