“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor — the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.’ Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about our experiences — good or bad. Speaking form the heart is what I think of as ‘ordinary courage.'”  Brene Brown

This idea moves me to tears. Why? I feel that I have not been speaking from my heart and I want to but am scared to do so at the same time.

This week I was disappointed and discouraged. Discouraged means to be disheartened.We had a relatively small crowd on Sunday. I judged myself as being not good enough. My story is that if I were really doing my job as a Sunday speaker, the room would be packed.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?  Am I blaming the lack of attendance on something other than consciousness? But consciousness is all there is. Whose consciousness? Mine of course. The only thing I ever see is my own consciousness.

Am I measuring my worth by the number of chairs that are filled?  Somewhat.

What do I want?  I want a sanctuary full of life-long learners who are excited about the Truth of their being, who love to be with their spiritual community and who practice and depend upon the Science of Mind principles and the Presence of Love in their lives; I want to know that I make  a difference. 

Now I remember the starfish story: A man was out walking and came across a stretch of beach that was littered with thousands of starfish.The tide was receding and the starfish were beached on the vast expanse of sand. A boy was racing around the beach picking up a starfish and then throwing them into the deep water. The man shook his head at the uselessness of it all asked the boy what he was doing. The boy answered that he was throwing the starfish back into the water so they wouldn’t die. The man tried to dissuade the boy, by saying that there were thousands of starfish and only one of him. He could not hope to make a difference. The boy kept doing what he was doing, threw the next starfish into the ocean and and replied, “It made  a difference to that one.”

Make a Difference to that One

I want to know that my ministry is making  a difference to the people who participate. I want to know that I am enough. I am enough to inspire, enough to support, enough to enlighten. That my own practice inspires others. My health and vitality inspire others. My stories inspire others. My consciousness inspires others. I want others to be healed of false beliefs simply by being in the same room I am in. (Okay, that may be a fantasy!) I want to glow with Spirit’s love, confidence and energy. I want to feel supported even when I make mistakes. I want to feel supported when everything looks good and also to remember I am doing my best when the “ship is sinking.” I want to be open and available to connect with others. I want to know that my innermost fears are safe with the ones with whom I share them. I want to love myself no matter what.

I want to remember the times when one person’s life was changed because I could see and speak the Truth for them. Honestly, there are many such times to remember. I want to remember that others have also felt discouraged, that I am not alone in my human experience. And I want to remember that the One Source is immediately available,”nearer than breathing closer than hands and feet.” 

I want to know that I am contributing to life, that I am a giver and life responds to me through that givingness. I want to be fully engaged in my life not a spectator of it. I want to live whole-heartedly. I want to know that as a human being I have imperfections as well as strengths.

When I started writing, I thought that a person with courage would not be discouraged. A person with heart would never be disheartened. But now I am thinking that a person with courage would be willing to tell the truth. Admit the pain. And then she would get back up, dust herself off and start all over again.